Where Do I Apply?

I’m all set. I’ve got a camera phone, a twitter account and a fingertip-grasp on all that political stuff. I am now ready to be a Congressman. Is there a drug screen? I should be okay to pass one now. Will I need like a resume or will an email account be enough? I’ve got two. One that I give to all the companies that ask for one and then I have the one I actually use.

My first act as a Congressman will be to schedule some press conferences. First, I’ll need one to thank the campaign workers, my wife and the brave men and women in uniform. Not sure what part they would play in getting me elected but it sounds good in a speech. I’ll wave and smile as I walk up the steps of the capitol building. The next presser will be several months later to deny all allegations and point my finger at the camera. The last one will be to apologize for my poor decisions and accept responsibility for my actions. Scheduling is soft for that, can’t nail that down until they get enough evidence to convict . Hopefully, my wife will be available that day. Luckily, my lack of understanding of the political landscape won’t be an issue as I won’t actually be working. Coming to Congress with no allies or wealthy supporters, I’ll just be another rubber stamp who says “Aye” when I’m told. Sounds easy enough. They can schedule it right onto my Outlook calendar for me. Don’t hate me. Believe me you don’t want me actually DOING stuff while I’m there. I’ll just be WASTING your money. The ambitious ones are cooking up ways to TAKE your money.

Income tax was originally collected to help fund the Civil War in 1862. In 1872 it was eliminated. Yay! In 1913, Congress added the 16^th amendment making it a permanent fixture. Boo. In 1943, the hard-working members of Congress created the withholding tax and collection soared to $43 billion when the average worker made $1500 a year and his truck cost $1000 brand new. Congressman’s salary that year: $8700. Since then, the people we send to Congress promise one of two things. Either to lower taxes or use what they collect to make life better. Apparently, you don’t actually have to DO that. All you have to do is convince a majority that you’ll be fighting for that and that’s good enough to get the gig. Once you have the gig, you’ve got it made.

The average salary for rank and file congressmen is a cool 174 grand. Awww yeeah! Congressmen are not subject to many of the laws they enact. Sweet. They have great benefits. Nice. They retire with a permanent pension after just 5 years. Booyah! And every meal is tax right off because they talk about how they’re going to get re-elected. Hey, that qualifies as a discussion about their constituents. Sold! Now is having no control over my sex drive a prerequisite or can I work on that as I go along?