Where Do I Apply?

I’m all set. I’ve got a camera phone, a twitter account and a fingertip-grasp on all that political stuff. I am now ready to be a Congressman. Is there a drug screen? I should be okay to pass one now. Will I need like a resume or will an email account be enough? I’ve got two. One that I give to all the companies that ask for one and then I have the one I actually use.

My first act as a Congressman will be to schedule some press conferences. First, I’ll need one to thank the campaign workers, my wife and the brave men and women in uniform. Not sure what part they would play in getting me elected but it sounds good in a speech. I’ll wave and smile as I walk up the steps of the capitol building. The next presser will be several months later to deny all allegations and point my finger at the camera. The last one will be to apologize for my poor decisions and accept responsibility for my actions. Scheduling is soft for that, can’t nail that down until they get enough evidence to convict . Hopefully, my wife will be available that day. Luckily, my lack of understanding of the political landscape won’t be an issue as I won’t actually be working. Coming to Congress with no allies or wealthy supporters, I’ll just be another rubber stamp who says “Aye” when I’m told. Sounds easy enough. They can schedule it right onto my Outlook calendar for me. Don’t hate me. Believe me you don’t want me actually DOING stuff while I’m there. I’ll just be WASTING your money. The ambitious ones are cooking up ways to TAKE your money.

Income tax was originally collected to help fund the Civil War in 1862. In 1872 it was eliminated. Yay! In 1913, Congress added the 16^th amendment making it a permanent fixture. Boo. In 1943, the hard-working members of Congress created the withholding tax and collection soared to $43 billion when the average worker made $1500 a year and his truck cost $1000 brand new. Congressman’s salary that year: $8700. Since then, the people we send to Congress promise one of two things. Either to lower taxes or use what they collect to make life better. Apparently, you don’t actually have to DO that. All you have to do is convince a majority that you’ll be fighting for that and that’s good enough to get the gig. Once you have the gig, you’ve got it made.

The average salary for rank and file congressmen is a cool 174 grand. Awww yeeah! Congressmen are not subject to many of the laws they enact. Sweet. They have great benefits. Nice. They retire with a permanent pension after just 5 years. Booyah! And every meal is tax right off because they talk about how they’re going to get re-elected. Hey, that qualifies as a discussion about their constituents. Sold! Now is having no control over my sex drive a prerequisite or can I work on that as I go along?

I Just Don't Get Medicare

I just don’t get Medicare. Or is it Medicaid? Wait, which is the one we should put in a lockbox? I can’t remember. While we’re at it, what’s a lockbox? Like so many other terms I hear the older kids say, I just don’t know what the big deal is about Medicare.

What I really don’t get is why every politician thinks it’s a major factor in my voting decision. It’s not. It’s really not. Perhaps I need some tutoring on this earth-shaking issue because I just don’t know why it’s soooooooooo important.

Is Medicare the reason gas is $4.00/gallon? Is Medicare why I am working so many hours without making a dent in my bills? If someone could connect those dots for me, I’d vote for him. Heck, I’d pass out buttons and kiss babies for him. That’s the problem with these candidates. When one of them goes off on their pet theory about Medicare, I tune out. I get that it’s expensive and I’ve heard for about two decades now that “it’ll be bankrupt in X number of years” unless we elect a “fiscally conservative President”. Or are we supposed to put “someone who’s looking out for the little guy” in charge to protect it from the “political friends” of the other guy? I dunno. I can’t keep it straight. Do me a favor fellas, just tell me which option will let me keep more of my paycheck at the end of the week.

To quote a movie: “what we have here is a failure to communicate.” I don’t know who advises the candidates but they should hire a translator. Presidential candidates must think we lie awake thinking about the GDP or the debt-ceiling or the political tensions between Libya and Yemen. We really don’t. We think about the last punchline we heard on Leno or Letterman. We think about how many hours of sleep we’ll have to get by on tomorrow if we fall asleep RIGHT now. We think about the creepy kid talking to our daughter. Politicians lie awake at night thinking about how to sound smarter than the other guy on these oh so important issues. Get some shut eye guys, you lost us already.

We’re not working on our Poli-Sci major. We’re wondering how many hours of OT we’re gonna have to put in to fix the car. Honestly, we don’t care to know more. Feel free to yuk it up with your pals as you discuss the virtues of NAFTA and NATO but don’t expect the rest of us to get your jokes. Do this for me, find a way for me to keep more of my paycheck, keep me safe at night while I’m trying to get some sleep and stay out of my personal business. If that means we need to export more Medicare to China to ease tension in the Middle East, then I’m all for it.

Tell Me How You're Gonna Win

If you’d kindly just tell me the facts, I can draw my own conclusion. Spare me the spin and the soundbite. Don’t try to be the traffic cop in my head. I know I’m more likely to find the gunman from the grassy knoll than get a straight answer from a politician in the world of high-stakes Texas Hold’Em Politics but that’s all I need.

Here we are again, clicking to the top of the first plunge of the Presidential Campaign roller coaster. And I’m not happy with the GOP. Cain’s “Political Rookie But Successful in Life” card is playing well. His numbers are keeping all but Trump and Palin’s big toe out of the water. Palin and Trump are waiting for their polling numbers to hit a magic number. Or someone else’s to drop . Cowards. There’s a whining former Governor What’shisname from New Mexico who’d stand a better chance of winning if he never spoke in public. And then there are the Contenders.

I call them contenders because they’ve at least declared their intentions. They stood in front of us and said in a loud clear voice :”Pick me, I can do better.” I respect that. I can support someone, warts and all, if he OR SHE will just straighten their back bone and say that.

I like what I hear from Bachman, and for her sake, wish Palin would either get in or go away. Until Palin fades back into her cable shows, Bachman is relegated to the undercard fight for Ms. President. That’s too bad. She’s a good political mind that’s getting overshadowed by this swimsuit competition that Palin brings.

I like Pawlenty for proposing something about the economy. He’s got the likability of a Chemistry teacher so I don’t like his chances but I respect him. I like Santorum for standing up but he’s a Senator, not a Governor. Senators make great Cabinet members. They come in with great ideas but not enough political skill to implement them. Governors have learned how to make opposing sides of the aisle cooperate. Senators don’t develop that muscle.

Then there’s Mitt, with his Dudley DoRight chin sitting atop a big pile of campaign contributions. “President Obama has failed.” Ummmm, duh! Can you tell us what you’ll do differently?

There’s the Ron Paul Revolution, the sequel, yawn. He would give us a lot of speeches about what’s wrong with Washington while having no real impact. He just doesn’t have the political capital. Much like Huntsman, utterly dismissed at this point.

None have shown they can do the most important thing which is win. It really doesn’t matter what they would do with the economy, taxes or military if they can’t convince 51% of the country that they can do better. If they don’t, we’ll have a President who no longer has to court voters and can uncork his real political goals. Spare me your spin. Tell me how you’re going to save me from that. You’ll have my vote.